Identifying Your Values: Why it Matters

An attempt to make sense of what does not make sense.

I get the impression there are a lot of people who are not intentionally choosing the lives they are living. They are responding to what is in front of them: deadlines, responsibilities, news headlines, financial pressure, social or family expectations. Life becomes a series of reactions rather than a series of conscious decisions. And over time, a quiet disconnect sets in. It is hard to name, but it can feel like being in a constant struggle with yourself, a misalignment.

This is rarely a motivation problem, or a time management problem. I think it is often a values problem.

Our values are the principles that make us feel steady inside when we are living in accordance with them, and unsettled when we are not. They are the quiet internal reference points that tell us what matters, what is worth our energy, and what is simply noise. Without a clear sense of our values, it is almost impossible to know whether we are building a life that feels honest and sustainable, or simply coping with the one that has formed around us.

Taking time to identify our values is not indulgent self-reflection. It is a necessary act of orientation in a world that constantly pulls us away from ourselves.

Because the world we are living in is not neutral.

Every day we are witnessing more corruption, injustice, environmental destruction, widening inequality and political systems that are increasingly detached from the people they are meant to serve. 

We are encouraged to argue with each other about surface issues while the deeper sources of power and influence remain largely unexamined. We are distracted, divided and overwhelmed and then expected to carry on as though this is all normal.

I have been deeply disturbed by the unfolding truths being revealed about people, mostly men, in the highest positions of authority all around the world. I’ve been thinking a lot about how no man is an island…they did not act alone. There are structures and systems in place that have allowed children and women to be abused (and worse) by these men, and these structures and systems are continuing to protect them even now, after they've been unmasked.

It begs the question of how did we get here? Why are so many people in positions of leadership so corrupt?

There is a strange duality to modern life. We make dinner, reply to emails, do school runs, pay bills and plan weekends, all while holding the knowledge that something about the wider systems we live within are deeply flawed and unjust. Many people are carrying a low, persistent grief, frustration or helplessness that they struggle to put into words. It can feel as though the problems are too big, too far away and too entrenched for ordinary people to influence.

But this kind of thinking is where a big part of the problem lies, and is where values matter most.

Because removing power from the hands of the morally bankrupt does not begin in parliaments or courtrooms. It begins much closer to home. It begins with people who are clear about what they stand for, who are willing to hold themselves and each other to account, and who are prepared to act locally in ways that reflect those values.

It begins with knowing your neighbours, showing up to local gatherings and taking an interest in local issues. Participating in local elections not by voting for a party name, but by learning who the actual people are who want to represent your community and asking whether they live by values you recognise and respect.

For example, if we want to live in a world that is safe for women and children it would make sense to stop supporting candidates for leadership roles who have been convicted of crimes. And yes, I am referring to those we have elected in both the US and the UK with a history of serious allegations and/or criminal convictions prior to being put into these roles, but I am also referring to UK police officers who are hired even though they have a history of domestic abuse and/or sexual assault. 

Let’s stop making excuses for men, and start holding them to a higher standard.

There is no situation where a person with any kind of history of domestic abuse or sexual assault should ever be put into a position of authority. Law enforcement should require a higher standard of emotional maturity and moral judgement. As should those holding leadership roles in religious institutions. There are literally thousands of safeguarding concerns reported to dioceses about children or vulnerable adults every year. From those, hundreds are related to concerns about recent child sexual abuse. In many cases, church leaders who have been accused are able to stay in their positions once they’ve shown ‘remorse’ and then continue to abuse. Imagine how many children would be saved from abuse if we just stopped making excuses for men and started holding them to a higher standard? No benefit of the doubt, no second chances. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Let’s act accordingly.

And we must get wiser to the messaging we hear from the media and politicians. We must refuse to be turned against each other by narratives that blame ordinary people for problems created by systems of greed and power. This requires conversations that are more honest, more informed and less reactive; educating ourselves and our communities about where corruption truly sits, and how easily we are distracted from seeing it.

It requires putting an end to looking away when we see bad behaviour. It’s collectively deciding that we will no longer stand for corruption; when a person breaks the law, they are held accountable, regardless of their status, title or bank balance.

And it begins at home, too. In the standards we accept in our relationships. In the expectations we place on the men in our lives to act with integrity, emotional maturity and accountability. In men holding each other to account rather than excusing harmful behaviour. In women refusing to normalise the harmful behaviour we see so often. It’s creating communities where respect, care and responsibility are not optional extras but basic expectations.

All of this is rooted in understanding what our values are, and allowing them to guide us in our decision making.

Values are not something we identify once and write in a notebook. They are something we practise. They are present in the small, daily decisions about how we spend our time, who we give our attention and money to, what we tolerate and what we challenge. Over time, our values shape the culture of a household, a friendship group, a neighbourhood, and eventually our wider community.

This is one of the reasons This Mortal Life exists. It is a place where we can practise living in accordance with values that feel deeply human in a world that often feels anything but. At the heart of this community is a shared commitment to living with intention, care and connection.

Around here, we value…

🌿 Presence
Encouraging mindful living, noticing the beauty, depth and meaning in everyday life. Learning to be present in our relationships, but also, being present for ourselves, noticing what we’re feeling and learning to notice what our gut is telling us so we can act accordingly.

🤝 Connection
Fostering genuine human relationships and a sense of belonging through shared stories, meals and experiences. In an uncertain world, it is building community in the flesh that is what will sustain us long-term. 

🍂 Seasonality
Honouring the rhythms of nature and the seasons as guides for reflection, growth and renewal.

💬 Openness
Creating space for honest, respectful conversations about life, death and everything in between.

🌱 Growth
Supporting personal and collective transformation through curiosity, creativity and shared learning.

🕯️ Remembrance
Valuing the legacies we carry and create, holding space for memory, grief and celebration.

🍲 Nourishment
Tending to both body and soul through food, ritual and the warmth of community gatherings.

⚖️ Balance
Seeking harmony between doing and being, action and rest, joy and solemnity. Acknowledging the duality of life and holding space for both the ups and downs.

🌍 Care
Acting with compassion and empathy toward people, places and the planet, recognising our interconnection with all life and taking steps to protect it.

These are not abstract ideals.

They are things we practise when we gather on a beach at dusk, share food around a fire, speak honestly about life transitions, loss and grief, and notice the turning of the seasons together. They are how we recognise that the current systems we’re living within are not working and that the men holding up these systems are not acceptable leaders. 

If you have never taken the time to identify your own values, start with considering the themes that have been present in your life so far. Pay attention to when you feel most like yourself and times when you have felt deeply out of alignment. Notice what you admire in others and what you wish there was more of in the world. The words that emerge are often words that have been present in your life for a long time, but perhaps you have never named before.

Then begin the practice of letting those values guide you. In your home. In your relationships. In your conversations. In your community. After this, you will likely find decision making easier. Less inner turmoil, less hesitation, but more confidence and inner peace. 

A life led by your values will not remove the challenges of living in a complicated and unjust world. But it will give you a clear, steady place to stand within it, and from that place, real change, the kind that cannot be easily corrupted, quietly begins.

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